He was pleading with me, with all the emotion I think he had behind his eyes, to trust God.
Wasn't coming out into the mission field showing God that I trusted him?
"I do President, I promise," I emphatically stated as scanned through my thought processes, trying to understand what exactly he meant.
A year later, before being taken to the hospital, I was lying in a bed in an apartment not far from that mission home. My arms had lost the ability to move, I could no longer chew, and my eyes were too weak to be in a position that wasn't directly ahead for more than a few seconds. My companion prepared for bed by my side and I could feel my heart rate slowing and my diaphragm slowly weakening.
As I lay there, I communicated with God with my fuzzy but deeply passionate thoughts. "Dear God, I trust you. If I die tonight, that is okay. I trust you to take me if it's time."
One of my most poignant qualities is my tenacity. I hold onto things as tightly as I can until I know that it is right to let them go. Often, even when I do let them go, it is sad to me.
For example, the night before I turned 8, I lay in my bed. My mom came in to wish me a "Happy Birthday Eve" and tell me she loved me. She found me in tears.
"Mom," I sobbed, "I will never be 7 again! I have loved being 7."
"I'm sure you'll love to be 8 though," was all she seemed able to say.
I have had to learn from that. Sometimes, it is okay to give something up. Often times, what awaits us is even better than what we are leaving behind. If it is right to move on, then do it.
Tonight, I sat in the temple. I, to be completely honest, have been a wreck. I have been unable to eat due to stress for a few weeks now. I have the world's largest supply of V8 juice in my pantry; more than any college student, I'm sure, has ever had to themselves, because juice is all I'm able to keep down. My hair has been falling out. My clothes are falling off of me because I can't keep weight on. A final I took last week destroyed me, completely. I honestly don't know if I will make it into the nursing program in the fall here at BYU. To top it off, I may have hurt one of the most important friendships that I have in my life right now, just this week, and I don't know what I can do to fix it.
Today I drove, and spoke to God aloud as I did so.
"Last year, God, I told you I trusted you enough to take me. I laid in that hospital bed, and it was you and me. It was you and me, God- no one else. I trusted you. I told you that I trust you. You know that I trust you. Why is this so hard right now? What do I need to do to become what I need to become? Father, I will do anything to become what Thou wouldst have me become. Father, as hard as this is, I am grateful for the opportunity to learn and to become closer to what I need to be."
As I sat in the temple this evening I pondered on the revelation I have received this week. Due to the wise and inspired suggestion of a friend, I have been fasting for the past 3 days. Not a fast of food (let's be real, I've already been doing that on accident for weeks anyways), but rather of Facebook and any media that does not guide my mind towards God. I have done this in an attempt to know the mind of God- to know what He would have me do in my life. I have found that as I have gone round in circles trying to do my part in order to know what will be the best course of action, I have gotten nowhere. However, I wanted God to know I was willing to do my part.
Slowly, as I sat gazing at the beautiful domed ceiling and the shining chandelier, my mind was enlightened. I began to understand that all of my previous revelation, so confusing, was simply to help me come to the correct conclusion.
The question came to mind, prompted, I know, by the Spirit:
"Elise, do you have the patience and trust God enough to let go and wait on God?"
Do I trust God enough to let go of what I have felt so deeply, and so confusingly, that He would have me hold onto?
I suddenly understood what God has meant by telling me to be patient for so long; it is not that I need to hold onto something or someone, it is that I have to trust God enough to let Him do His work, and patiently stand by, striving to become more of the person God would have me be every day. And trust that God knows what He's doing.
"Elise, do you trust God enough to let go?"
In that moment, in that beautiful celestial room, I finally let go. Not of being as Christlike as possible, or of being as supportive to those in my life who need me to be there, but of the person and the thing that I have been too scared will leave me if I don't hold on with all of the tenacity that I have developed over the course of a very imperfect life of 21.75 years on this Earth.
Tonight, I let go. Not of hope, or of love. But of not allowing myself to believe that God will do what He needs to do, and I will receive what I need to receive in the end.
"Behold, the fowls of the air, for they sow not, neither do they reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are you not much better than they? Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature? And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin; And yet I say unto you, that even Solomon, in all his glory, was not arrayed like one of these."
Elise, Consider the Lilies of the field.
And trust that God will take care of you, if you take care of yourself.
I can do that.
Today, I made another step towards trusting God. One day, I hope to be able to completely trust Him. Unfortunately I am far too imperfect at this point to say that I do; but thank Heavens He is patient. I love Him with all of my heart; at least one day, I hope to.
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