Chronic Opportunities

After finals were over, I had the opportunity to spend a full 36 hours at home in Boise, going to doctor's appointments and, well, more doctors appointments.

My initial reaction to having a relapse back in March was frustration, then desperation. How could I have gotten so strong and then have gone downhill so quickly, in a matter of just overexerting myself once? When it was suggested that I see a doctor to get blood work done and see if they could find anything, I felt a pang of desperate irritation- I knew that they wouldn't find anything.

And I was right.

They told me that my condition might just be chronic. They told me that I might just be dealing with this chronic neurological interruption for the rest of my life.

Okay.

That I would have to be very careful to always get enough sleep, eat well and enough, exercise but not overdo it, and be sure to not experience 'too much stress.'

I went home and I laid in my bed, with my head under my covers, staring at the wall in the room where I grew from a girl to a woman. I felt safe there for a moment. And then I prayed.

I cried for a moment. How am I supposed to be able to control my sleeping and my stress to that extreme when I am a mother? Especially of little kids?

I cried while I prayed, silently.

And then I stopped.

First of all, who knows if that statement- that this is a chronic condition- is even correct? Doctors have to guess a lot of times, especially with neurological issues.

However, I decided in that moment that if I will be dealing with this for the rest of my life, possibly having to get picked up at random places because I stopped being able to walk, or having to sleep a lot of hours every day, that I don't care.

I don't care anymore, and I'm not going to be a victim anymore.

I will run a marathon. It might be a long time before I can, but I will run a marathon. I've had to cancel my half marathon that I signed up for in July. I won't be running a ragnar this year either. But maybe in 3 years, or 1 year, or 7 years, I will run a marathon.

I will have lots of kids. I won't let weakness or risk of whatever this chronic condition is stop me from having the large family I have always dreamt of having. I don't care; I will do what I need to do in order to have those kids. And I will not feel badly that I maybe have to sleep or rest more than other moms.

The past few days, I have woken up slowly. It's magic, to wake up and just experience the stillness that happens before the day really begins. As I have reveled in those sacred, private moments, I have realized that this is an opportunity to experience humility- the recognition that everything I am depends on God. I really cannot do anything without Him anymore.

Chronic. What an opportunity.