Shower Therapy

I find crying in the shower to be fairly therapeutic.

Our old, decrepit shower faucet screams, so no one can hear you cry. Your face is wet, so you can pretend that it's water and not tears streaming down your face. And of course, you are nice and warm when you keep the heater on high enough and your roommate doesn't flush the toilet on you in the next room :)

God has a plan, everybody. I feel like that's what I write about every time. I'll be honest; it's because I have a hard time remembering it sometimes.

My mom says that I analyze every aspect of life more than 95% of the population analyzes anything at all. It's true. That's why I'm medicated for severe anxiety and I have a therapist.

I have always known that I have a hard time letting things go.

Well, everyone, the man that I felt certain I would marry broke my heart over 4 months ago. And there are still days that I find myself on the floor of my shower, crying.

I cry because I knew that it was right, the same way that I knew serving a mission was right, or that studying at BYU was right. I had some reservations but mostly I just felt this incredible peace about it; I knew that God had guided me to this man. I knew that this man had reservations. But I also knew that he loved God more than me, and that he would get where God needed him to be to make the choice that seemed so clear to me: to step forward, and get married, even if it was scary, or things were a little unclear.

That's what faith is, everyone. You step forward if something is good, even if it is a little unclear. You commit.

I cry because I carry regret for making mistakes in that relationship. Mistakes that may have changed where we are today. If I had been less emotional and needy, would he have loved me enough to make the choice that seemed so obviously correct to me? If I had been braver and not voiced so many concerns, would he have been brave enough to not face the question of marriage with an attitude of, "Well, I know God says this is good, but is it what I really want? What makes it NOT what I want?" Did I just not 'spark enough' for him? And what is this that I have heard through the grapevine, that he says he 'still feels really bad' but there just wasn't the 'emotional connection' that 'he was looking for?' Because if that is true, then I have no idea what relationship he was in for almost a year. If that is true, he is a complete ass for ever dating me at all, let alone setting a temple date with me, and telling me multiple times that he really did desire to marry me, and he was getting closer to being able to commit. Sorry for the language. Not sorry.

I don't cry because I miss him anymore. He doesn't deserve it. Since breaking my heart he has taken up Dungeons and Dragons. He told me that he is happier now because he has more time for himself. He says he has regretted his choice sometimes, but that "God didn't tell him he made the wrong choice." He has already dated someone else. It lasted a week. Our relationship is dead and gone to him. It is dead and gone to me too- I know that if he came to me tonight, I am on a completely different plane than he is. It would not work out. It would be gut wrenching and horrible. I could never go backwards.

But, how do you accept the fact that God has confirmed to you multiple times before and AFTER a break up that it was the right choice to move forward, but that the other party simply made selfish decisions for months, small ones, that led him to not be ready when the time came for him to decide? Decisions to put their schoolwork first, to put their desires and comfort before yours, to not put the relationship and God's will as the number one priority in their lives? How do you accept now that God has made it clear that his time has passed in your life, that this boy could have been your partner forever, but that he has lost the chance completely simply due to choices that he is now blaming on the relationship or revelation- that to God now, the relationship is over and done, even if it was meant to be eternal? How do you accept the pitying looks that people still give you when they talk about what happened even though you wish they wouldn't, because you aren't the one with the problem, and they believe him and validate him when he says that he 'just wasn't feeling it' though you know that he loved you more than he had ever loved anyone, and God has said all it took was a choice, and it would have been more than fine, and in fact, incredible and eternal? That you two were strong enough together to make it to God?

That's kind of where I'm at right now. God keeps telling me to bury it, to put it in the past. That He has something incredible waiting for me just on the other side of this. That patience and trust is all it takes. That I'll recognize what is mine when it comes to me.

I want you to know that I am trying. That I am battling every day to simply feel the love of God. To draw so close to Him that there is no distinction between His heart and my own. To not feel broken, like a used tissue by someone who I gave everything to who simply 'didn't feel it' for a year. That I'm trying to see the future as more important than the past. That I'm trying to smile in the faces of his roommates and best friends, a lot of whom are getting married now, and who said to me when we were dating that they couldn't figure out 'what was taking him so long' and that 'I was so patient and good with him' and that 'he would figure it out soon.'

I also want you to know that I have no idea how to do this. I don't know how to let go of something I knew was right- I have always had complete power to act before when I knew something was right. I don't know how to let go of it, even if I couldn't possibly take the person back who it seemed so right with because of what has happened since. And now because of someone else's lack of development and faith, I could not act. I am being asked to act in a completely different way now. And it's feeling near impossible for me to let go of the last way God was asking me to act- because that was the way in which I wanted to act. I wanted to get married. I was scared. I knew he had weaknesses, and, even scarier, I did too. But I knew it would be more than okay, in fact, that it would be incredible. I knew what God was asking me, because I was silent when I prayed, and I saw what He saw. And it wasn't simply 'the potential of the relationship.' I know with everything that I am that God showed me His true intent with the relationship. It was stated to me in a blessing, that I would know of a certainty through a certain way. And I did. It was confirmed again and again and again.

So somehow I have to be patient. And not wish for what is past, because it's over. And not carry what should be someone else's regret. And I have to trust.

Seems to be the theme of my life. I'm starting to learn that I should just expect it, so I won't be surprised next time I have to learn it again.