Sent

I had a hard time being in that hospital and not being able to be a missionary anymore.

It's a difficult thing to explain, the mantle of the call that you have as a set apart missionary. I never noticed it, really, until I was laying in that hospital bed, and suddenly acting like the Savior hadn't ever been so challenging. Sometimes it was all I could do to not yell out in sudden frustration when I was given the wrong medication, when another doctor told me they didn't know what was wrong, or when I was required to drink yet another cup of miralax.

It was heavy. We all have different crosses to bear. Mine at that point was to help me recognize the reality of the restored Priesthood authority that had set me apart to literally represent the Savior, no matter where I was or what circumstances I was in. I knew that because of my health and the situation I was in, others would not expect me to still fulfill the role of missionary.

But I felt deeply that God had more in mind than just sending me to a hospital for 2 weeks as a set apart missionary and letting me simply be there, without opening my mouth. My whole experience up to that point had been one of repentance, and feeling cleansed, and faith growing, and desire to serve increasing. And that flame of desire had grown into a fire that filled my every waking moment.

In other words, God had changed me- not my actions only, out of obligation, but my very desires.

What desires do you have, that you wish you didn't?

Even wishing they were different is enough, if you act. Ask God, study about virtue, plead for change. And act accordingly, no matter how much self discipline is required. This is the formula I learned for having my nature changed on my mission. And I intend to continue to employ it as I learn more and more about God on this journey of life.

Cindy. She was my nurse tech a few nights during my stay. Dark haired and beautiful, she had a sweet manner full of love. I never connected that she was hispanic, until the moment of my departure came. I entered that hospital with one Book of Mormon, in Spanish. I intended to give it out to the right person. After failing to do so, and praying that I would find someone, I put it in my duffel back as I sat in my chair, about to be wheeled away to the car, the hotel, the airport, Boise… the rest of my life.  Cindy entered the room as we waited for my ride to arrive at the hotel. We began to make small talk. She spoke of her daughter, a tender girl she was raising on her own. I found out that she was hispanic- and immediately broke into my Spanish. It was apparent to me that Heavenly Father had placed her in my path to receive this book from me at this time. She had watched me pass through all the different diagnoses, the pain so severe I vomited more than once, and the humiliation that comes with being completely helpless. She had been there to see me strive to rely on my Savior during what was the most painful challenge of my life thus far.
I wasted no time in looking her in the eye and telling her that I had been praying to meet her. I knew that there was someone who needed the book I had been saving- The Book of Mormon in spanish. She talked about her coincidental occurrences with different religious people over the past few weeks, that she felt that God was trying to communicate with her that she needed more. She spoke of the emptiness she held inside, that she knew there was something missing in her life. I received a piece of her soul as God used me to help guide her forward on her eternal path towards Him, a sacred experience through which my life has been changed. I remember wishing she could feel what I felt as I stared into her eyes and testified that The Book of Mormon was what she was missing, that it would fill that empty space, and that I knew it would because I had seen it change not only my life, but hundreds of other lives over and over, of people from all different walks of life.

Cindy was sent to me to show me that God keeps in mind even the most minute desire, something that we may never express to anyone, but that He wishes to fulfill so that we can be happy.

Christ lives. Thank the Heavens for that- it will all be okay, #BecauseofHim.