So. After speaking with the physical therapist it looks like I won't be running a 5k in May. It's now the very beginning of April and I was able to ride a bike for 1/2 a mile today. Plans change, right? Really, I have seen so much improvement! Just not as much as I expected to see. Well my goal then will be to do a 5k in Provo in the fall. I just get all of my energy sapped pretty fast, but the physical therapist says I should be strong enough to be back to a normal busy student schedule by then. Isn't that wonderful? Really it's a blessing.
But Physical Therapy has been really good! I have seen a lot of improvement and I enjoy being able to do exercises on my own. The difference between my muscle fatigue/weakness and someone who has normal muscle atrophy is that I experienced a sort of post viral break down in my nervous system. So I am not allowed to push too hard- in other words, when I am tired, I rest. That's sort of a novel concept for me. I always thought that I could just choose to keep going, no matter how tired I was. Because that is how you got things done and that is what strong people did. Well not anymore. That's where the change of perspective comes in. I really, in all honesty, used to fault people, really deep inside of me and without meaning to, for being sick. I used to feel they could just decide to work or move or play. And I think that's why I always had such a hard time with myself and my own weaknesses- because I really felt like I needed to be better, and if I were only strong enough I could just decide to be better. You see, it's hard to fully accept and forgive others when one is not accepting or forgiving or understanding of oneself. I learned that on my mission. And I am learning it even more now. As stated in one of the many priesthood blessings I have received since I started to get sick, this trial is teaching me empathy. I am learning to mourn with those that mourn, rather than just pat them on the back and say I'm sorry.
So there. I just told you all one of my weaknesses. God has shown me that weakness. Why? The answer comes in scripture. In Ether 12, verse 27 it says:
And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.
So there you go. If it seems that you are going through something that is pulling at an uncomfortable weakness you don't like to admit that you have, it's because God loves you enough to want you to be better; He loves you enough to show you what is your weakness and help you make it strong. You only strengthen a muscle by breaking it down first. On of my companions taught me that when I felt like I was going through the same trial again and again and again.
We went on a cruise last week to Mexico! It was beautiful! I got the worst sunburn of my life. Like huge giant blister patches on both shoulders. Cute, right? We enjoyed parasailing, and I slept a lot, and the younger kids made lots of friends. Mom and Dad loved relaxing and we all ate way more than we should have. Sick. I haven't woken up in the middle of the night feeling like I had a rock in my tummy since I was serving in Morristown and we got 4 dinners some nights. Hahaha oh dear. We called it 'Hispanic tummy' because hispanics get such joy out of feeding you, they overload your plates and give you seconds, and the way you show them you love them is by finishing all the food. Giving up your figure is required.
Anyways, this is also where a new perspective was gained on my part. I was in a wheelchair for most of the time we were on the boat. I didn't make very many new friends, which may very easily have been my fault. I was feeling very observant all week as I experienced what it's like to have people see me in a different way than I have ever been seen before. You think that elevator rides are awkward? Have you ever ridden in an elevator in a wheelchair with no visible disability? It was the biggest joke all week, that elevator rides in my wheelchair brought everything up to a whole new level of uncomfortable. I was treated as delicate, and special. I am not complaining, simply observing. I realized that it was really hard to carry a casual conversation on with people. Really, just a conversation where someone joked around with me who was a complete stranger. No one laughed with me, people only smiled kindly and held the door and moved out of the way. The kids friends were kind but distant, until they found out that I could walk.
I guess I just felt like it created a barrier. Maybe I created the barrier myself. I was just trying to observe the difference.
I think I figured out that if I felt like that, and I was only in a wheelchair in public with people who didn't know me or my situation for a week, I didn't like how people felt who are in wheelchairs for life. I really would like to not only be kind to the next person with a different situation than my own; I would like to sincerely be their friend, tease them like I would tease any other stranger (it's how I make friends. Sometimes I come off a little harsh. Ha whoops), and laugh with them about ridiculous things, rather than just be polite.
Interesting, right?
Other fun facts from the past week:
1. I learned some awesome flirting skills from my younger sisters and brother. Seriously. The teacher has become the student here.
2. I have decided that my 21st birthday will include one activity only: Sky diving (much to my mother's chagrin. I reminded her that I would do it whether she liked it or not, it was simply her decision whether she wanted to be part of it or not).
3. The water in Cabo is crystal clear. And salty enough to float on. And apparently very filled with sharks. Thanks goodness we learned that after we left and had spent the day playing in it.
4. I realized that I need to finish my hospital stories. I really would like to get those recorded.
5. A Mexican man tried to get me to give him my little sister rather than the Book of Mormon that we were offering him. That ticked me off. I never realized I was the over protective type until that conversation. Good thing she didn't really understand what happened :)
6. The 24/7 soft serve ice cream on cruise ships really is as exciting as I have always dreamt it would be since I was 14 and my best friend went on a cruise and told me all about it. Zach had 68 cones that week.
Hmm that's all I can think of for now :)
Love you all.
Life is beautiful.
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