One

When I was moved from the ICU I have to admit I was a little disappointed.

You see, the beds in the ICU are just so big and comfy.

And the beds in the normal inpatient care units... well, they undulate. 24/7. 

Just imagine sitting on a hard mattress, and not being able to move. Every few minutes, the part under your back inflates, arching you in an awkward position, while your legs seem to hang aimlessly, feet shoved into the bottom of the bed. A few minutes later, it switches, and your feet are floating while your back is sunk into the bed frame. It's real fun :) Especially for two weeks!

I was initially placed in a room with a lady who seemed to be about 74 years old. I was on the stroke floor, after all. They did not know how to classify my disease, but since it seemed to be neurological, and I was in danger of falling, that was where I ended up. 

In other words, my first roommate was about the average age of every other person on that floor.

I was moved quickly from that room, to a private room. I remember sitting in that dark room the first night, completely at a loss for what was happening in my life. Maybe, I thought, if they healed me here I could still get up and walk out, and continue on with my mission. They were guessing I would be out by, Monday, and it was only Thursday. The neurologist had thought that I could be out by the weekend until she saw me try to stand and I crumpled. Maybe, even though my mission president had called my mom to come the next night, that didn't mean that I was getting sent home. Maybe this was all a bad dream. And maybe these people would give me a stinking shower the next day! Maybe my story was like that of Abraham and Isaac- I just had to show the Lord that I was willing to give Him the thing that mattered the very most to me, my mission, and raise the blade, but right when all seemed to be lost, He would heal me and I could stay. So many maybe's. 

Other than my branch president, I didn't get any visitors that night. I had my companion there with me, who I was so grateful for. I didn't want to be alone.

I remember my first nurse aid that night. I will call her Mae. She was nice, but I could tell she was new, and pretty outspoken. Being the stubborn patient that I am, I asked her if I could use the commode instead of the bed pan (yes, this is a common theme of my entire hospital visit. It was a huge issue okay?!). The conversation went something like this:

"Excuse me, but I need to use the restroom. Could I use the commode instead of the bed pan?"

(Ignoring the 'danger of fall' sign) "Do you trust me?"

"Well, last time I tried to get up I---" (I passed out and then was admitted to the ICU)

"Do you trust me?"

"I guess I was just wondering because the nur---"

"Do you trust me?"

"Well they have me--"(on complete bed rest because of my blood pressure)

"No. Do you trust me?"

........        ..........

"Yeah, I guess so."

"Alright then that's all we need."

My mind: If trust was all we needed then I wouldn't be in a hospital right now lady!

She stood me up, but I was feeling pretty strong. I didn't need her support and was able to pivot on my own. She was completely surprised. 

"Girl, they said you couldn't even walk! What they talkin about you can't stand?! You don't need my help!" (She threw her hands up in the air at that point.) I shrugged my shoulders, and crumpled my eyebrows as I sat down. I was just glad to not be on a bed pan. She continued to talk about the fact that nothing seemed to be wrong with me for about 0.2 seconds.

And then my ears started to ring. My vision started to go. And I started to get really clammy.

"I... think I'm going to pass out..."

The aid panicked. She chucked a stuffed animal at my companion who was sleeping by my bed and told her to "GO GET SOMEBODY!" 

I remember feeling like this was probably her first 'crisis.' She seemed to be slightly fighting the urge to panic. In my mind, all I needed was her help to stand back up and get into bed so the ringing would stop and the tunnels in my vision would go away. She kept me where I was though, and repeated "Don't pass out!" over and over, chucking water in my face, gently shaking me at my shoulders, emphatically commanding me to 'stay with her'.

I have to admit I would have preferred to 'stay with her' but I really didn't see how I was supposed to stop myself from passing out when she wasn't letting me get back to my bed to lay down.

Within about 20 seconds, that felt like minutes as I was fighting off unconsciousness and completely crumpling, my companion had dashed into the hall and gotten the attention of about 5 other nurses and aids. They ran in and expertly helped me back into bed, put oxygen on me, stroked my hair, told me it would all be okay, gave me some pills, insisting that the danger was over, and made a general fuss trying to 'calm me' (I felt fine, I was just a little wet and slightly annoyed that I didn't seem to be able to be vertical without passing out) while getting flustered that the aid had let me get out of bed when it had so clearly been written everywhere that I was not allowed up.

I'm pretty sure I just smiled and nodded though; they had put that beautiful oxygen back on me, and I was free to pass out as I wanted now that I was horizontal.

Plus I got out of using that stinking bed pan.

That poor nurse aid felt really badly I think. She told me thank you for trusting her, and I remember waking up sometime in the middle of the night, surprised to see her sneak flowers in. Over the course of the next two weeks, she only poked her head in once or twice, but never stayed to talk much. I think she's pretty great- she surely does know how to help a scared 20 year old girl feel okay. Those were the first flowers I got in that hospital. Visitors come and go, balloons deflate, and fruit baskets end up needing to be thrown out. But flowers are a permanent reminder that someone loves you and in praying for you- at least as permanent as your hospital stay is, hopefully. I had some bouquets that lasted almost the full 2 weeks. So, if you sent me a bouquet, I want you to know how much I appreciate it :)

Nothing like a bouquet to make up for chucking water in someone's face and throwing a stuffed animal at their friend :)