Long Overdue

I have good news :)

I went to the neurologist appointment last Wednesday, and after a thorough examination, she stated that I was cleared for no further neurological testing. I have no disease that will affect me for the rest of my life. My brain, against what seemed to be any odds, is completely fine.

So, it is being called a post viral inflammation of the brain and nerves, for lack of a shorter name or real solid diagnosis. There are some guesses as to what happened, but we basically know that it was caused by the onset of a virus, and after care and rest it seems to be going away.

I am free to move forward with physical therapy and set goals and move forward in life. I have found a 5K race for May, and a 10K for July, and a half marathon for late August, and a marathon for November. I set the goal to run a marathon at the start of the year- the ability to complete that resolution was almost taken from me, and it hurt a lot worse than I expected it to. So, I am clinging harder to completing it now than I ever was before.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is what we call a miracle :) After the hundreds of prayers and fasting from so many people who I know well and others I don't, God has given me the opportunity to move on from this scary sickness- I will be completely normal again! I choke up as I think about all of the people who have prayed and sent me notes and messages. You have all participated in a miracle- you have all been angels to me. God works through people, and He worked through you as you prayed for me and wrote me and called me and visited me.

So. What state am I in?

After counseling with leaders and my parents, it is very clear that my mission is over. Even once I recover, I will not be returning to the mission field. This is heartbreaking. But it is right- I know it is right because I feel it, and I have asked God. I will be speaking in church about my mission and this experience on April 20th at 9 am at the LDS church between Chinden and McMillan on Locust Grove, if you would like to come. I would love to have you there. Everyone is invited.

I have gone through emotional pain throughout this process; many can say that it was hard to finish their mission, that when the end came, they had a difficult time getting back to normal life. I don't deny that it is; serving an LDS mission is more fulfilling than anything I have ever done- you are constantly serving and growing in your relationship with others and the Lord, and you always have  a direction and a purpose. The uncertainty of entering a hospital as part of my pre-mission departure and going home, to me what felt like prematurely because I had planned on 18 months, without an explanation of what had happened or if I would be well again, or if I would be able to go back (which was the only thing I desired, more than anything) combined with the expected pain of losing a huge group of friends and a lifestyle that is more fulfilling than anything I had ever experienced was very devastating to me. And it still is.

So, in a word, I am sad. :)

But, also, I am happy.

Because God has given me the gift of a second chance at an active and full life that I thought I might not get back. I have slowly regained strength. I was able to play hop scotch with the neighbor boy the other day. I can walk around the block in my neighborhood without too much trouble now. I only take one nap a day. I have been able to do some work in a medical office for a family friend for a couple of days in a row now. My arms are strong enough to hold babies and little kids, and I can squeeze them as tight as I want to! I can use my hands to write letters now. I still sit up at the end of the night. I have the grand opportunity to spend an entire summer with my family- something I never planned on doing after I left for school. But now I get to become my family's friends.

I have so much to write about. I want to write about the people in the hospital, the experience at the neurologists office, the moment when the bickering of my little sisters brought me more joy than I ever thought was possible. But for now my heart really is hurting, and so I will write another day. I just wanted to share this miracle, because I want you all to rejoice with me.

Life is beautiful. As I come out of the scary part of the trial, I can see God's plan unfold. It all works out for those that rely on Him. And even if there are moments of anger, He will always accept us back. I know, because I have experienced that too.

I have a long road ahead of me, but it will be okay :) As Gordon B Hinckely says, "It will all work out." I know that is true! In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.