An Update and a Story :)

So here's the update:

After a week of ups and downs, and a couple of moments when I almost went back into the hospital (you see, I'm not being treated, so my condition goes up and down. Basically right now I'm just under strict supervision), there have been some improvements.

First of all, chiropractic is real. I had never been adjusted before, but after becoming weaker and weaker, at the beginning of last week we decided to go in to the chiropractor and see if he could help. Dr. Matt Ogle, everyone, is a miracle worker. Look him up. He practices in Meridian. After my first adjustment, I saw immediate results, and after 5 adjustments I am walking and moving so much better now. My strength does not come and go anymore, and although I am not up to what you might call 'normal strength' I am able to stand up easily and even walk up and down the stairs a couple of times a day without support! That is amazing to me. I still fatigue pretty easily, but the work that Dr. Ogle has done has given me the freedom to be able to move around my own room and home with ease and do my hair and make up while I stand up on my own and even have enough strength to sit up at the dinner table at the end of the day AND walk to my room when I'm ready for bed, rather than use the wheel chair. That's a big deal! This has been the only thing that has given me real lasting results so far.

Second, my neurological symptoms seem to have worsened a bit. This is why we talked about hospitalization again. My speech sometimes slurs, my fine motor skills come and go, and when someone asks me a question, although I know the answer, it becomes difficult for me to formulate my thoughts into words. These symptoms worsen when I am more tired. That would be why the doctor said I can't really receive visitors anymore, because I get overstimulated by too much noise or conversation and my brain gets tired really fast. Basically I am living my life in isolation and trying to rest my brains until my appointment with the neurologist until next Thursday.

Third, I have been overwhelmed by the huge amounts of love and support shown me through messages on Facebook, texts, and people who have spoken with my family members. Please know how much I appreciate it all :) I am sorry, I have not been very good at responding to all of the messages I have received. I am struggling to keep up with all of that- it gets pretty tiring for me to write. Please don't take it personally if I haven't responded :) I love and appreciate you all, more than you can know, and I would be sad if I wasn't getting the support I have been getting. So thank you- it means so much to me.

Okay now I promised I would talk about my experience in the hospital. I don't know if I can fit all of that into one post. I will just start at the beginning and we will see how far I get. I'm going to be honest- that means words and phrases like 'bed pans' could be included. We'll see :)

My first day in the hospital was strange. I remember when all the different doctors started coming in, I began to realize that this was more serious than I had thought it was. When they wheeled me in for the first MRI, they told me my goal was to not move while the test was being done- I had so many jokes I could have cracked at that one, if only I had the energy to do so! It took me so long to transfer from the stretcher to the MRI table, and they tried to stick a little squeezer into my hand for me to grasp. 'Grasping' seemed to have left my repertoire a few days previously so they ended up placing my arms in a place where they would stay, shoved into the sides of my body and a couple of pillows (otherwise they just fell off the table) and made it so that the ball was in my hand but I didn't have to use any muscles to hold onto it. In the MRI machine I just stared at that yucky stain on the ceiling of the machine. I was expecting a lot of whirring and things moving, but it was just a lot of noise. I almost fell asleep, actually. I liked MRI's best out of all the tests I got done :) The workers were nice too- they came to know me as the 'missionary' and I had the chance to go down there for five different tests, so we were good friends. The one technician, Laura, was a sweetheart who had lost her husband a few years previously. It was very sad. She already had the Bible, but I knew I had something that could support the faith she already had and increase her understanding of our Heavenly Father's love and plan for her. So I told her how much the Book of Mormon had blessed me when I lost my grandma, although I didn't understand losing a spouse, and how much it was helping during this time of uncertainty, and asked her if she would like a copy. She accepted. I hope she reads the verses I marked (specifically Alma 7:11-13 my favorite!)- I know they will bring her peace. Life is heartbreaking and confusing sometimes. But I have found peace in the reality of a Savior, something that wasn't a reality for me until I studied and prayed and desired it more than anything else. Now I feel peace about any trial that comes, realizing they will be difficult, but not feeling fear. I know that I am in God's hands. That's what I wanted for Laura. It's so hard to feel alone- it's scary to not know if there is a God, or to not know if He loves you, or to understand why hard things happen. It's the perspective of refinement for our eternal good from a loving God that brings peace, and a loving Savior that brings hope. That is what the Book of Mormon, and lots of prayer and experience have given me.

My day in the ER was hilarious. I remember laying there and getting ticked off at the dumb machine that monitored my heartbeat. There were a couple of people who visited me who made me more nervous than others. And everyone knew when I got nervous because my heart rate was so unstable it would shoot up like crazy, and the machine would start beeping, and the nurse had to come in and turn it off! I was napping at one point. My heart rate was at about 77 or so. Elder Bailey came in and woke me up with the ever calming words as a missionary, "Sister Millward, President is on the phone for you." My heart rate doubled and shot up to 157 in .2 seconds, as I tried to act cool, calm, and collected, speaking with my loving mission president about my current situation. It's hard to act cool, calm and collected when there is a machine 2 feet from your ear shrieking beeps as if you had gone into cardiac arrest and you're fighting off the urge to faint. Or, when I would start laughing, which happened often because of the circumstances, it would go off too! We all laughed so hard... and then I would get dizzier and the machine would go crazy. Hahahaha. They had me on oxygen, thank goodness. That stuff was like sweet nectar from the gods, being pumped through my nose. It kept me feeling stable with my breathing as I laughed and talked about my hilarious situation with all of my good missionary friends who were so kind to me and stopped by that first day. I got spoiled with balloons and donuts and even a frosty :)

My mission president asked what I had eaten that day- and when I responded with, "Part of a donut and some frosty" he had such a disapproving face, I promised to eat better the next day. The funniest part was that his wife snuck me candy during my whole stay in the hospital- hahaha he would get so mad :)  "She needs to take good care of her body, Bonnie!" I love that couple with all of my heart.

We laughed SO hard when it hit about 3 pm that day in the ER and we started to hear an "OWWWW" from the other room in the ER. Sweet Elder Bailey said, "Well, someone seems to be in pain" like the cute senior couple missionary he was, while I was trying to be polite and not laugh. But it continued on and on for about 30 minutes with repetitive forms of "OW-UH SIRRRR-UH" or "OOOOOOOW" or "OOWWWWWWWWWWW-uh!!!!!!" hahahaha I remember looking at Baileys and saying behind my hand, "Glad I'm not THAT guy!" as we laughed our heads off at his expressions of pain.  You know you're not in a hotel when that's your background noise. So relaxing hahaha!

That day in the ER I had to learn how to use a bed pan. I won't go into that experience except to say... I HATED IT. So much. There are no tutorials on how to do that cleanly. Yucky. I can almost laugh at that now- eh no. It's too soon. Give me a couple more weeks. Let's just say I appreciate a toilet so much more now than I ever did before. I remember being so annoyed as I was just finishing using the bed pan, a moment when you give all dignity up, as more of my friends stopped by to see me. Seriously, they had to come right THEN?! Ugh. So annoyed. Whatever, they just stayed long enough to drop something off, and then left.

I spoke with my mom on the phone. Her faith amazed me, and strengthened me. It seemed I had always taken that for granted in a mother. It hurt more than anything else to hear her cry. She was trying to be strong, but she had gone through an emotional roller coaster that week too, from receiving my email about being very sick Monday, to a call that night from my president saying I would be flying home the next day, to Wednesday finding out that I had to be checked into the ICU that morning. All this with very little information as to what the actual situation was. My dad called me, and I said, "Dad! Did you clear this with President?!" He said, "Who cares? I will talk to you if I want to. You're my daughter. That trumps mission president." hahaha Oh dad. What can you do? He sure does love me- I am very lucky.

One of my nurse techs in the ER was the one who believed me and my situation from the moment I got there. I was grateful for her. She showed me a picture of her little girl and helped me not feel dramatic or dumb about checking into the hospital at 1 am on a Wednesday morning when I felt like all I was doing was asking for attention or being dramatic. She treated me like I was important :) That was really nice. And she even swung by the next night to see how I was doing when I was in the ICU.

By about 8 pm a bed cleared out for me in the ICU and I was transferred upstairs. Not that I was more than ready to get out of the ER, but it's not a super quiet environment, I couldn't have my door shut, and the bed I was on was like a nice little cushion on a flat board of wood.  It was hard for me at that point to reposition myself at all, so it got to be a little more than uncomfortable. And the nurses almost called security because I was getting so many visitors:)

By the time I got up to the ICU I was feeling a little low. My visitors had gone for the day, and I was feeling sad. I began to turn inward, not wanting anything to do with my nurse or the people who were there to help me. I just wanted to sleep and for it to all go away. I felt bad for the sweet sister missionary who was staying with me that night- being a set apart missionary I still needed a companion. She got a comfy armchair but not a very talkative companion. I didn't serve her like she deserved to be served after what she had sacrificed to be with me all day. I slept well that night- the bed was very comfortable, and it was quiet- regardless of the fact that I got stuck a few times and had to get my vitals checked every once in a while. I remember becoming emotional the next morning, though not showing it, as the nurses in the ICU were so kind to me. All I could say was, "Thank you" over and over as they changed my clothes, washed me, fed me, brought me food, and helped me laugh. Mostly they helped me feel loved and comfortable. That was what I needed more than anything. I wanted to do something for them, but I couldn't even do anything for myself anymore. I had a hard time with that.

The ICU was pretty uneventful, except for the fact that I freaked them all out when I couldn't (WOULDN'T) use the bed pan and they had to place a catheter. SORRY! I told you I would be honest. They seemed to think it was a problem that I couldn't (WOULDN'T) pee on my own... but I just hated that STINKIN bed pan! It was so awful I seriously couldn't use it. The catheter was easier and cleaner. I didn't understand why it was such a problem that a 20 year old needed a catheter... but they seemed to see that as a problem, and kept scratching their heads at why someone so young was having such a hard time. After I was able to pee on my own, and feed myself (okay barely) (love having those two activities placed right next to each other in a sentence. Sounds real sanitary), and my breathing became more stable, that was when I was able to be released to a normal room.

Probably my favorite thing that day in the ICU was when Sister Smedley, my companion, came and stayed with me for a few hours. She made me happier than anyone else- being in the hospital was really hard, and all I wanted was to have her with me, because she had been by my side through all of the other junk too. We had the best time together, since the beginning of our companionship- we could laugh so hard at anything. I have never had more ridiculous or HILARIOUS pillow talks, with anyone. Literally, I am talking ROLLING around in bed, not breathing because you are laughing so hard. The day she stayed a couple of hours with me in the ICU, we laughed and joked like what was happening wasn't as horrific as it actually was- like we were just two missionaries who loved being where we were and doing what we were doing, happier than ever. And she held my hand the whole time. Sometimes, when something is hard, all you need is someone you know loves you to hold your hand. She even helped me laugh my head off when, yes, I HAD to use the bed pan with her there. I hated how hard she laughed at my dumb situation... and so I laughed harder than I had in days because it was so awful. It was exactly what I needed. I love that girl :) We are friends forever... pretty sure she doesn't have a choice. ;P

I was visited by my district leader and his companion every day. They were the best, and would always bring me a message about faith in Christ, which was exactly what I needed. We would sing hymns that they picked like "Count Your Many Blessings" or "There is Sunshine in My Soul Today" rather than the picks you would think of in that situation like "Nearer My God To Thee" or "Abide with Me." Inspired? I think so. They are happy people- exactly who I needed surrounding me then. Who needs to focus on how hard a situation is when you can focus on the blessings and funny moments coming from what is happening? They helped me see that. I love them for it.

By about 6 that evening I was sent down to a normal room on the 7th floor... thank goodness I wasn't sent to 7E :) I will tell you all about 7E later... More stories to come. I will try to update more frequently. I am doing the best I can under the circumstances. Thank you for your love and patience. I love and appreciate everything, and once I am okay again, I will be the good friend you all deserve and talk to you more frequently and answer your messages and give you the love you deserve. I love you all.

I know God lives. He just does- it is a daily experience for me. His Son and His Atonement are a reality for me too, now. Through thorough study of the Book of Mormon and the Bible, together, and diligent prayer, we can grow closer to them than through any other way. As we pour out our heart to them, and open ourselves to their words, we invite them into our lives in a way that not only makes us happier than we have ever been, but fulfills their happiness more than we can know. As Christ shows the Nephites his happiness at their faith after they pray to the Father in His name... 3 Nephi 17:20-21 "And they arose from the earth, and he said unto them: Blessed are ye because of your faith. And now behold, my joy is full.
And when he had said these words, he wept, and the multitude bore record of it, and he took their little children, one by one, and blessed them, and prayed unto the Father for them."

So, let's make Christ happy. Let's believe that He suffered so that we don't have to fear; so that we can have peace and laugh and find joy even when things happen to us that wrench our hearts out and seem to draw the tears down our face without control, even when we are living lives that are good. It's possible :) Love you all.