Haha.
I guess I never expected to email home reporting on a week of Bed rest and commodes and hospital food. I have spent the past approximate 52 weeks learning about, trying to apply, and teaching principles of faith in Jesus Christ and his atonement; repentance; baptism, receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost and enduring to the end to people who are going through horrific situations and trying circumstances. Now I have had many opportunities to think about what it means to have faith when things don't seem to make sense or be going the way you think they should go.
When all you are trying to do is serve god with your whole heart might mind and strength, why would you suddenly lose all ability to work or even move your body? Why would energy fail to come when all you want to use yourself for is to bless and serve heavenly fathers children?
If I have learned anything over the course of my short life, it is that god loves me. I cannot deny that; it is a daily experience for me. Now I am learning what it means to rely on that love and past experience in order to grow from hard situations rather than recoil and shrink. For a couple of months I have been praying to god, pleading for him or make me into what he wants me to become rather than trying to make myself into the small creation I am capable of without his help. Not being able to move has been difficult and letting go of my mission has been excruciating. So far I have cried a lot, when I had the energy to do so. I have prayed and denied the obvious. It has hurt to see others cry for me and with me, probably most of all.
I will not pretend to be a hero or to act like I am fine or like this is the hardest thing anyone has ever gone through. I will be honest though. I need you to know that I know that by allowing this trial, god has given me a gift. I have the blessing to learn how to rely on god when all is crumbling around me. I have the opportunity to really give Christ my infirmities and afflictions, And see if it's true that he can take them from me and heal me. As I have prayed and received numerous blessings, it has been made apparent that it is not in gods plan to heal me now, although I know that eventually I will be whole again. As I learned about faith tonight from my good missionary friends who visited me, that doesn't lessen my faith in god because his timing is not my own.
I suppose part of faith is being stubborn in my beliefs although much around me tells me god is but a figment of the weak mans imagination. Good thing I was born stubborn. Many may say , "what a shame what a shame. And she was only trying to do good. See how it does not matter if you do good or bad, god will let you suffer anyways."
God allows his children to suffer and to wonder and to struggle in order to come to him and never forget their divine origin or the reason why we are here- to become like him.
I grateful for this opportunity to learn what it means to 'endure well' and find joy and hope even in the small moments. I don't understand gods plan for me but I do trust him- thank goodness I have learned that much. I am not angry or scared. I may have lost all sense of dignity when I stopped being able to utilize my extremities or support myself without a walker, hahahahaha, but God is still with me. He is still with me because I have searched Him out. He is still with you too :) promise. Find Him. He is waiting.
Proverbs 3:5-6
Love
Hermana Millward
Ps handed out two Books of Mormon to my hospital tech and roommate :) two more to go! CAnt wait to see who god places in my path!
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