Learning

Today is my five and a half month mark of being home from my mission.

You may have noticed (or you may not) that for the past 2 1/2 months I haven't written anything.

I'll try to put into words why.

Sometimes, we are broken down to a point that everything we see, hear, think, and do all goes back to a moment in time, or an event that was traumatic. In my case, it has all continued to go back to those few weeks I was sick and in the hospital, and a continued battle in my mind of why I am not still in the mission field.

If you know me, you know I am a bit of a perfectionist. I set a goal, and I achieve it. I guess my mission was a huge goal that God asked me to give to Him- to not achieve it the way I had pictured achieving it.

I haven't written because the past few months have been a spiritual battle ground for me- an intimate experience between me and the Lord. My deepest thoughts and feelings I have tried to keep to myself- they have been sacred, and sometimes very painful.

I've said it before and I'll say it again- these past few months for me have not been the hardest thing that anyone has ever gone through. And I would be disappointed if it was the hardest thing I ever go through. We are asked to pass through trials, and we can choose to battle through them or simply pass through them, in order to progress. It is our choice, as Alex Boyé puts it, to become bitter, or to become better.

Refinement is lonely. But the Savior walked a lonely path- how could we come to know Him if not through passing through similar experiences?

I feel that I have gotten to the point now that, during moments of quiet, my mind does not wander back to those lonely moments in the hospital, or the times that I saw people cry for me. I don't have as difficult a time watching movies where people go through traumatic experiences. I don't hurt because of what 'may have been' or 'should have been' when I see someone in a wheelchair. I rarely pause anymore at the top of stairs because of a moment of fear that my body may crumple.

I have been given closure- and I don't know that I can put all of that closure into words.

I guess that now, instead of simply knowing that I was called to a specific and unique mission, I feel it. That's the way God speaks to us- we have to know it in our mind, and feel it in our heart. You will never know something just from hearing it from someone else- you need to feel it from God. And feeling something like that is often a process- but it is as deep as your bones, and once it comes, you can never deny it.

I know that I fulfilled my mission now, and I know that although the past 6 months have been confusing and painful, this entire experience has been in God's hands and He has held me as I've gone through it.

I received a blessing at the beginning of my mission in which these words were stated:

"You will have the health to fulfill your mission"

I remember, when I received the blessing, feeling that that was true. Now I have come to know that it is true- that I fulfilled what God asked me to fulfill, even if the time period was shorter than normal. It has been a process to come to that knowledge, but what I have learned has been priceless to me.

The Savior ministered for a mere 3-4 years. That is not a lifetime- compared to the time other people have given, it is miniscule. Yet He gave us all. And His sacrifice has continued to affect billions of people over the course of thousands of years.

When I realized that, I learned what it means to give completely- and sometimes that means giving something that no one in the world can see, and suffering things that no one in the world can understand- except for Christ.

And I guess that is the beauty of suffering. We truly come to know Him when He is the only one who can possibly succor a genuinely broken heart.


One of my favorite C.S. Lewis quotes is as follows:


"Meanwhile, little people like you and me, if our prayers are sometimes granted, beyond all hope and probability, had better not draw hasty conclusions to our own advantage. If we were stronger, we might be less tenderly treated. If we were braver, we might be sent, with far less help, to defend far more desperate posts in the great battle."


I honor those who just can't seem to 'catch a break' in this life. Those who seem weakest are often the strongest among us. Those we often pity are the ones we can learn the most from And a lot of times those who seem strong- who seem to pass through life being blessed beyond belief- are those with the most private, most painful of all suffering.


That is the beauty of God's plan- all of us are meant to grow. Some of us just have to grow in different ways than others.


I knew a sister on my mission who was a single mother to four kids. She had fought since she was young- having been sexually abused by a family member as a teenager, without money or resources, she made a life for herself and her family. The government continually tried to take her children from her because she was not 'qualified' to have them. She spoke little English. She worked long hours at a local fast food restaurant in order to provide for children who fought through life the same way she did- seemingly with no monetary or familial resources on their side. When I met her again, after 6 months of being away, she seemed to finally be in a good place. Her children were active, and emotionally sound. She, who had been the saddest woman I had ever met, had a smile on her face. They had Family Home Evening every Monday, and were active in church and in their personal relationships with the Savior. 


And then, her baby boy, a sweet little 6 year old boy, was hit by a car.


He wasn't only hit- the car ran over his abdomen and demolished the soft tissue there, and his head split open.


His mother saw it happen. She held his head together while waiting for the ambulance.
I used to pity this woman- I used to see her as someone who just had a difficult life, and I felt bad for her.


When I saw her go through the trial of almost losing her son, she became a warrior. She was calm when we visited her in the ICU. And she was full of faith as she watched her little boy turn from almost stepping through the door of death to walking firmly and furiously towards a full and long life. As I watched her, my pity turned to awe, then respect, and then understanding.


God would not place His weakest soldier in a fight as a single mother of four of His precious children without means or support, knowing the trials she would pass through and still have a testimony of and relationship with the Savior.


He would place His strongest there.


I believe that when we are in Heaven, we will see the weak among us become strong. And we will see that what we thought of as weaknesses in ourselves become spiritual strengths.














"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weaknesses. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men who humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."
Ether 12:27

I have seen that in my life. God is great- we can be healed.

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland says it best here.

Besides all of this spiritual angst, I have had a blast the past couple of months. Rollerblading, skydiving, swimming, dating… I have a lot to write about. I figured I would get the most important things down first :) But I have lots of pictures I am excited to post.

Life is beautiful- it's about joy. Sometimes joy comes after great pain, or after we see the growth that has happened in a moment of crisis. But life is sweet, no matter what we have to pass through. There is always something to be happy about.

Love you all.