Living with my whole heart

In my departing interview with my mission president, he tried to ask me about my five year plan. I raised my arms in the air, and said, "I don't know, President. At this point, maybe I could plan to be walking again by next month."

My departing interview took a turn from there- it was slightly unorthodox, and very reflective.

I will never forget the feelings I had as that sweet man, whom I love as a father, leaned forward in his chair and said to me, "Now, Sister Millward, how have you served your mission?"

"With my whole heart," I replied.

"Absolutely," came the response, and then, "Sister Millward, that is how you must go home and live. With your whole heart."

That changed the way I decided to move forward.

I remember believing that if I came home and was awkward, it meant that I was a better missionary. I would say that to an extent that is true. But I also realized that because I had served and loved with my whole heart, realizing that God had called me, with all of my crazy fun-loving loud personality to serve in New Jersey, then when I came home it was very natural for me to love and laugh and talk with everyone, boys and girls.

My mission president advised me that the level of the Spirit in my life would decrease. I love that he told me that that was okay- that it's okay to live a normal life and enjoy activities and entertainment and friends that are uplifting and exciting, but not necessarily all centered on the gospel. I appreciate that because I think my transition may have been a lot more confusing and difficult without that. I can still have the Spirit strongly in my life while putting my whole heart into every activity and opportunity that comes my way!

I spent the first few weeks of being home in bed, and had a hard time reading. Thus, I turned to movies- after a couple of weeks that is. I remember watching my first action film and needing to reconnect with God afterwards, because I hadn't felt such intense or frightening feelings in a long time. I was glad to be able to reconnect with him- and learn to find the balance of living a more secular life and enjoying the entertainment available.

My mission president advised me to put my whole heart into my social life. I have really tried to! I have dated more than ever, and as I have done so, I have learned more about myself and my strengths and weaknesses than ever. I have strived to find joy in every moment and party it up like a mormon rockstar every night, okay not EVERY night… ;) But as I have done so I have found confidence that I never knew I had, and made connections with people who have taught me about the beauty that comes even amidst difficult circumstances.

I will never forget how, in only a few words, my future was stripped away as I lay in a hospital bed and heard diagnoses coming towards me, defining what my life would be.

I miraculously will have an entirely healthy future at this point- and I decided to follow the goals that were almost taken from me with more vigor than before.

For my 21st birthday, I went skydiving with my best friend, my daddy. It. Was. Amazing.

As we flew up into the air, my goodness I was nervousy. Especially when my tandem instructor began to elaborate upon the last time he was pulled over with drugs in his possession. Heaven help me, if he had been on drugs when we were flying!!! He was hilarious but let's just say I may not have chosen to put my life in his hands in any other circumstances. I remember the hatch opening, and my Daddy flying out. It was the moment to scoot over to the other side of the tiny plan, door open wide, wind blowing. I placed my foot on the pedestal just outside the door with dear drug man on my back, and suddenly the Earth was rolling around us. Falling was like holding a giant leaf blower to my face- I didn't breathe for the entire free fall. And my chute was slow to open- meaning that I fell for a long while before we were going slow enough to breathe. I wasn't afraid. I was so happy.

And I would do it again.

I was still weak- it was the end of May- and so he had to really help me up because I couldn't pull myself up when we landed (on our bums!). And I would say the other most exciting part was definitely having to sign multiple waivers stating that I had never been treated for low blood pressure or wasn't currently being treated for any illness. Bah. Such a lie. I am a liar. But I had to fulfill that dream. And I am happy that I did.

I spent a week in June down in Provo for one of my best friend's wedding. It was so wonderful! That week was a turning point for me- I finally had the opportunity to serve again. To go from 24/7 service, to not being able to do anything for yourself… it was wonderful to serve again :) I helped with everything from moving her out, to decorations, to flirting with the groomsmen (rough chore), to doing her makeup, to helping her not stress. It was amazing. It tested my strength too- I overdid it  a little. I definitely crashed at one point, not being able to move. But I danced, and laughed, and I loved and served! And they served me. The wedding was wonderful and I got to spend time with my sister Brookie too. She is amazing. We are growing closer and I love it :) I am so lucky to be living in Provo with her this year!

I purchased roller blades!!! Yes. I called it my own physical therapy.

And then a week later, I was rollerblading down a hill. In the dark. Without any protective gear on- no helmet, no elbow pads, no knee pads. And I got going pretty fast- maybe 25 miles an hour. And then all of a sudden there was a huge cross street in front of me, and no grass, and it was go into the cross street or run into a curb. So I ate it. Hard. I smacked my jaw so hard I couldn't close it for a couple of days and it's still pretty tender. I destroyed my left arm- I have no idea how it's not broken- and have some nerve damage in my right knee along with bone bruising. It's pretty awesome.

Let's just say that when my sweet grandfather saw me, he cried, telling me that I had already put them through enough stress this year, and did I really need a rush that badly? And what in the sam heck was I thinking jumping out of a perfectly good airplane?

I've begun to rethink my recovery activities :)

I am nervous to go back to school. I am nervous about the level of exhaustion that will come as I apply myself to schoolwork and a social life. I know it is the right thing, but I am nervous. I am taking a lighter load of classes and I will not be working. It will work out- but it will be a stretch at first!

I am so excited to have the incredibly fulfilling academic life I have been missing. And to be around people that I love and that love education and the gospel. I am excited to meet new people and to learn from them and to grow as I learn more about what is good and true and right.

And I am excited to live this life that was almost gone!!! I can't believe I get another chance! I get another chance.

That still floors me. I get to do it all- everything I ever wanted to do. And I get to do it with my whole heart, might, mind, and strength, because God saw fit to bless me with the miracle of a complete restoration to health.

I love God :) Miracles are real- I am one.

LOVE YOU ALL!