Searching

Tonight as I lay awake in bed, I can hear the rain pounding outside my window.

It's August- a summer thunderstorm. The most beautiful kind.

The pavement moaned a wet sort of pretty sigh last night as I walked it with my roommate and best friend. It seemed to echo my insides. So much in my life right now is sort of beautifully sad.

A friend came to me this week and told me of her actions lately. She cried in my car as she spoke of sinking lower than she has ever been. Her big blue eyes filled with tears when she confessed that she knew what she was doing was wrong but seemed to feel that she is powerless to control her life in a different way.

Another friend came and lightheartedly spoke of her relationship with a boy that has seemed to cross a line not meant to be crossed before marriage.

Another friend called on the phone and spoke of his own decisions to not wear his garments or attend church anymore.

That pavement last night was reminiscent of my heart- heavy and sad. The very elect shall be deceived, the scriptures say. Well at this point in time it seems my close loved ones have fallen to that. Please don't misunderstand;  I do not think that they are bad people by any means. I am not 'judging' them harshly for their actions.

My sorrow comes because of a deep and eternal gratitude for the covenants that I, along with them, have made with God. These covenants are what make me who I am- not only that but what have kept me safe in the darkest moments of my life. When pondering why I have kept them the other day, why I have seemed to cling to a set of rules others in the world would never imagine adhering themselves to, and what my motivation in the future for doing so would be, I realized it is because they are what kept me safe when everything I knew was being taken away from me.

In other words, my covenants mean everything to me; it makes my heart as heavy as rain-soaked pavement on a summer evening that people I know, love, cherish, and have had sacred moments with have let go of those covenants with their Heavenly Father.

Part two of the heavy heart: I am starting to realize that I am not someone anyone has an easy time dating. My health has been super good as of late; super good, for me.

I fasted for the first time in about 4 months yesterday. I only got dizzy one time. That's a huge deal. Actually, to be completely honest, on a normal day I frequently have to stop and put my head down to make sure that I don't black out. It's like static hypo-tension on steroids; it happens all the time. Ever since last year my blood pressure has been pretty messed up.

I had to get a cortisone shot in my back this week that was a little to close to the spinal tap that was the hardest day of my life. I was fine; I have to admit that I was wishing my mom was there. The point is is that the PTSD that I have dealt with is now subsided enough that I didn't hyperventilate or have any issues recovering from that experience; I only had to relax a bit beforehand and I was fine.

I can do moderate hikes now, which I do frequently. I haven't started running again. I hated when that was taken from me in March. I'm not going to start again until I'm strong enough to continue with it.

I only got mildly weak this past week when I had a 16 hour day- that's a normal student day, if you work. It turns out I might be quitting my job because I don't know if I'm strong enough to hold onto a schedule like that day in and day out- one day was enough to wipe me out for a couple of days afterwards.

Here's the thing: There's this really great guy. I love spending time with him. All of this seems to alarm him, as though I'm not doing super well right now.

I have news for anyone, ever, who might consider making themselves part of my life:

I'm sick.

They don't know why, and they can't fix it. I'm not in mortal danger, and it's not like I've got cancer or something.

But the doctor's office is somewhere that I frequent, and I am not able to just pick up and go play sports like I used to be able to do. I have a ridiculously delicate balance to my health. If I don't sleep enough, I can't function. Like 8 hours a night enough. If I don't eat enough, I get really dizzy and feel like I'm going to pass out. If I don't drink enough water, my blood pressure drops. If it gets cold too fast, like any sudden change in temperature really, I shiver super easily and have to work to get my body to transition well.  And sometimes, randomly, my body gets too tired to continue moving at a normal pace and I start walking and moving like a 97 year old.

I can't be the fun-loving, flirtatious, outgoing, athletic, always moving, completely carefree girl that I used to be and wish I was. I am not her any more. My body doesn't allow it.

I am not a whole 22-year-old.

I am broken.

So don't be surprised when I tell you that I've been to another doctors appointment. Don't feel shocked when I tell you I can't work while going to school. And don't try to get into a relationship with me if you aren't ready for one; and if you are interested, take the time to talk to me about my health.

Just don't get my hopes up that there's finally someone who would want me; all of me. The messy bits included, not just the fun part or the spiritual part. Don't do that and then walk away when you find out that i"m not as perfect as I sometimes make it seem.

Please, just don't.

Because although summer thunderstorms are the most beautiful, and the smell of wet pavement is incredibly refreshing, you have to remember that summer thunderstorms are also the most tragic- they take away the most precious thing that summer has to offer: sunlight and blue skies.