Write (an unfinished post)

"Write it down," God whispered to me as I nodded off to sleep last night at 1 am.

"What? I don't even know what I would write. Plus I'm tired, God."

"My daughter. Write. You must share what you are learning," He continued to envelope me with His love as He invited me to share my experiences with Him.

"Maybe tomorrow... maybe then I'll know what the heck you are wanting me to write..."

Well, it's tomorrow and I still feel this urgency to write. God wants me to share. What it is that He wants me to share, I'm not sure.

I think it starts with my secret.

I like to think that I am an open person- an open book. I talk about my anxiety, or what it feels like to be diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 22 after a traumatic experience, or PTSD, or depression, or anorexia. I talk about what it means to know God- to know that when you have lost everything and are laying in a hospital bed with no future, He doesn't necessarily manifest Himself. He allows you to make a choice in that moment instead.

The choice is to believe that He is there even though it doesn't seem any miracles have occurred, or to believe the opposite- to turn away from Him and believe that He has abandoned you.

The next years of your life you will have to choose Him again and again as you realize that this battle to get better, a battle for not just health, but to go to school and be successful and get into a hard program and work as a nurse, will continue. As you realize that your miracle is not being 100% healthy again out of nowhere- but rather a slow walk towards the throne of God as you learn what it means to suffer and fight hopelessness with a decision to believe His promises.

However, there's a dark room in my heart.

It's a place that I've hidden from the world for years. I label myself with clinical terms as seen above. I have yet to face what the root of the issue is---

Shame.

In that room, is where the root of my pain