I went back home this weekend.
New Jersey- the place where, I believe, I really began to form who I am.
When the plane touched down in Newark and I looked at the dirty and industrial scene before me I could barely contain my excitement at being in a place where I came to rely on God with every single part of me and my life. I couldn't believe that this place was actually real- the place that I had dreamt of for the last 3 1/2 years. I had left with so little closure, with such a broken heart- to be able to come back and put a period on the most fulfilling year of my life was a gift I was more than grateful to receive.
I rented a car and made my way to my last area- Short Hills. As I drove into the area I began to feel nervous. Nervous about what type of emotional reaction I would have to being there. I was only there for about 7 weeks before entering the hospital. I was sick the entire time. This was the area where I was told over and over again as I lay dying in my bed that the hospital couldn't do anything for me- that all I would receive was 'a drip' and it would really be a waste of money if I went. My companion was asked again and again if I was 'depressed' and that was why I wasn't getting out of bed. Some of the most sacred experiences of my life thus far occurred here- and some of the most painful. I ate breakfast with a dear friend, a member who I love, and then we went to see the hospital where I stayed. I walked right up to the emergency room, took a picture, and walked away. I feel like a completely different person than the one who was there almost 4 years ago. Inside and out- the Lord has changed me, sanctified me. It was a victorious experience.
I also visited the old apartment, the one where, the last time I was there, my companion was spoon feeding me noodles until I couldn't chew anymore. The place that I was carried down three flights of stairs into a blizzard on the back of a young sister missionary who would experience trauma that went unrecognized for the rest of her mission because she had to save her companion's life without any support from her leaders. I will be forever grateful for that sister, the girl who stood by me and believed me regardless of the abnormalization and questioning of our leaders who tried to seek a different answer than what we were telling them- that I was actually dying.
As I drove from place to place, I had images splash across my mind as if in vivid watercolor- memories of some of the hardest, most dejected moments of my life in which I learned to just keep moving even if nobody wants to listen to what you have dedicated your entire life to. I remembered moments in parking lots, laughing with companions so hard that I couldn't breathe, moments paused outside of member's homes, where I cried so hard I didn't know how I would continue. The leaves had not yet turned completely, but as I drove through the tunnels of trees that line some of the most beautiful roads (in my mind) that exist in the world, I remembered the feelings of consecration, complete dedication, and desperation to hear and act on the voice of the Lord.
What was beautiful to me is that, although I feel that my understanding has increased, and I have changed, my desires have not.
I am grateful to a God who has brought me closer to Him than I could have ever imagined being as a young, 20 year old missionary, too stubborn to understand that sometimes loving people is more important than baptizing everyone I came in contact with and enforcing every single little standard available.
I am in the middle of a trust fall. Aren't we all? Sometimes, very briefly, we have moments of complete security in our lives. We feel that we can do exactly what God asks us to do, in that moment, because it isn't that hard.
I'm at a crossroads of sorts. I am trying to become who God wants me to become, seemingly against a culture that would not have me become anything but a wife and a mother. I have all the highest hopes of becoming that one day- the wife of a man who doesn't see my sole purpose as being home with the children, who doesn't wonder why in the world I would hope to become Elise Millward, RN, MD. A man who doesn't make me feel small, ever, and who sees my abilities and strengths as powerful and unique. A man who communicates what he is thinking and feeling, without pushing the blame off on me if something goes wrong or if something is scary- a man who is accountable for his actions and feelings.
So when people ask me why I'm not married, and do I even want kids, my answer is this:
I have more to do in my life than pass the time until I get married, and get an education just until I am a mom. I have more to do than to get married to a man who doesn't see the life God has planned for me. I want children, and a husband. But my happiness will not suddenly be found when I find a man to love me- trust me, I know that's true. My potential lies in my own power, and I will make my life into the masterpiece that God has planned, with His help. If a man can enhance that picture, then he is welcome in my life.
As I finally finish up my BSN and get licensed for my RN in the coming months, I have to keep my eyes on God alone. Only He can take me to the highest plane of living that I have the potential to reach. He has been whispering to me lately that if I want to come even closer to Him, I must actively practice gratitude.
After attempting to do this and feeling curious as to why that was what He wants me to do, I learned from the teachings of an Apostle that in order to break the pride cycle, after becoming humble and receiving blessings, in order to not go back into pride, one must practice gratitude- which will lead to humility and further blessings.
The Lord wants us to be as close to Him as we possibly can, even when we are in moments of peace and beauty in our lives- even when we aren't desperate to hear His voice every day. If we are humble and seek His voice, even if it doesn't come immediately, He will take our hands and gently place us in the right path of where we need to go.
I must listen to the Lord- listen so intently that I forget what my own voice and desires feel like. I must listen to the point that I realize that it is only His voice in this world that matters.
"Seeing yourself clearly is the beginning of wisdom." If we want to become wise, the only way to see ourselves clearly is through the lens of the God who made us, who understands all.
I love the Lord. I am closer to Him now than I have ever been- but being this close has taught me just how far from Him I am. I hope that as I move forward I can come so close to my Lord that I can 'feel His breath on my cheek.'
Love
Elise
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