Life as I Know It: #BecauseofHim

This week I've had this phrase echoing through my mind over and over.

Classes have been going well. I geek out over my New Testament class, I loathe Nutrition (I have always hated analyzing everything I put in my mouth), I have the most darling professor for chemistry, and my Spanish again falls out of my mouth in the beautiful rhythm I have missed since leaving my mission. I have enough time in my schedule to come back during the day and rest, almost every day.

There have been a couple of days when I have decided not to come home- those days have led to regrets, usually. I have to remind myself to be careful- that at this point, boredom is better than exhaustion.

I forgot that last week, for a minute. I slept 8 hours but didn't nap the day before after packing my backpack too heavily. Walking to class that morning, I could feel my legs beginning to go limp. My attention began to waiver during my first class as my mind went into the blank, weak state that I so infrequently experience now, compared to earlier this year. As I sat in my second class barely able to lift my arms to type notes, unable to move my hands enough to push the backspace button every time I made a typing error, I remembered.

I remembered the Lord as I prayed desperately in my heart for help while slouching my chair during that class. I didn't know how I would make it home- I didn't know how I would even stand up out of my chair.

I stumbled out of the classroom, my 8,000 pound backpack slung sloppily over my shoulder- and immediately found an angel, a friend, who upon seeing me, knowing my situation, hugged me tight enough to support me. She knew that I wasn't okay, without me saying anything. She hugged me, and led me a spot to sit. Immediately calling her husband, she stroked my hand. Sometimes all you need is someone to sit by you and hold your hand. I have two other loyal friends that came to my aid. I received a priesthood blessing, for the sick. As I stood, I felt strength enter my arms. It's inexplicable, except to say that the priesthood is absolutely real. I was able to walk to the student center and get lunch, and made it home safely to rest. No collapsing, no falling over, and no hospital visits :)

God has asked me to do something hard again by coming to school when I am still not 100%. I am so grateful for that- I am grateful that He is teaching me how to listen to my body, to learn to sit out, when I was always the one in the middle of every game, every class, every activity. He is teaching me patience as I learn to love myself and see my value, even when I am not able to accomplish all the 900 things in a day I used to be able to do.

When I was younger, I placed my value and worth on what I accomplished. I felt that sleep was for the weak- that those who took 9 hours deserved it, but that I didn't. I spent a period of time in high school only sleeping about 2-3 hours a night, occupied as I was with volunteer work, music, AP classes, family activities, sports, and a job. You name it, I did it. I did it because I thirsted for self worth, I thirsted for it like I thirsted for strength to walk again when I lay trapped in my body, in a bed, in the mission field, without clearance to go to the hospital. That might be hard to relate to for many- but I thirsted for self worth as one who feels that there is a deeper value than the world tells them they have, but they just don't have the understanding yet to see that, to feel it. I thirsted for it enough to search for it through accomplishments.

Self worth doesn't come solely from completing difficult tasks or receiving elite awards.

Self worth comes when you experience the Atonement. That's where the phrase #BecauseofHim comes in.

I experienced the Atonement big time last year- my nature was changed, my heart healed. I realized that I could be happy, that I didn't need to worry because I could simply TRUST God. Really trust Him, with everything that I was.

This year, God has taught me about the Atonement in a different way.

I have learned that when we are too tired to continue, we can forgive ourselves and stop. We are allowed to treat ourselves tenderly, the way the Savior treats us. He expects us to succeed, but not alone. And He sees the small victories. He sees that we are grateful and we are happy.

He sees that although I still experience moments of fear, or moments when I have to mourn because of the tender moments from this year that tear at my heart, or even moments when I get frustrated that I cannot run and play as I used to, He sees that I have remembered Him- that when others told me that He was not there, I stood firm and believed He was anyways. And He sees that I have chosen to accept the challenge of moving forward. He understands that I need to mourn still sometimes. He understands that I get frustrated at moments of weakness. And He understands that I am scared.

But He stays- and He is proud as He sees that I choose to progress, because I choose to believe.

That's what it's all about- believing that it's all possible #BecauseofHim.

You may be passing through a deeper Gethsemane than I will ever know. You may be recovering from wounds, still feeling the pangs from tender scars of years past. But as you choose to see that all of these things are to help you improve, you will find that feeling and experiencing the difficult is not pessimism, because along with the difficult comes the hope and gratitude that He sees your potential- enough to push you towards it- and He will help you get there.

So, #BecauseofHim I wanted to share that I feel deeper than I ever have that I am not alone. And neither are you. That although life is not easy- and your trials are the most difficult you could possibly pass through- it is beautiful. It's not always about what's at the end of the rainbow, but when we are passing through a storm that tears us apart from the inside out, it's okay to focus on that happy ending. Because as Dieter F. Uchtdorf so eloquently put it: