[definition]

[INNOCENCE]

[def: the lack of guile or corruption; purity]

This word has been penetrating my thoughts lately. I've had a feeling similar to uneasiness regarding what my state of innocence has become over the past couple of years since I left BYU in the spring of 2012.

I'm a much different person now.

I've been pondering on when my innocent nature left me. I used to be the type that would raise her eyebrows and be disturbed at a slight mention of some unclean action. It surprised me to hear of others' actions that didn't seem in accordance with my own standards.

I've realized that people don't seem to tiptoe around me anymore.

I didn't mean for that to happen- I always loved being absolutely innocent.

But I've realized that innocence doesn't correlate with purity.

[PURITY]

[def: freedom from adulteration or contamination; freedom from immorality]

Now, instead of innocence, I've been given something of a deeper value.

I've been given experience.

[EXPERIENCE]

[def: practical contact with and observation of facts]

The only explanation for my loss of innocence has to be the hand of the Lord. I have lived my life in a way that has led me to good thing after good thing, San Diego, then Spain, then a mission. I have spent time growing through trials and through challenging myself to become better. I obviously have made mistakes, but I have truly had a desire within the depths of my heart to know the Lord and to do His will in my life.

So, I would say that the change in myself that I have observed is not a bad thing. It is a positive thing. After all, we are here to gain experience, for our good. If we want to be more like Christ then we must learn about pain- the pain of loss, the pain of disappointment, the pain of sin.

[PAIN]

[def: suffering or discomfort]

Who would ever know more about pain than the man who suffered the sins of all, their anguish and their sorrows, and then died that we may live again? I would not call Christ innocent. But I would call Him experienced, and I would call Him pure. And I would say that I am pure, as long as I continue to try to live my life in the way He would have me live it- praying daily for His guidance and to be His hands here on the Earth.

It hurts, to lose the innocence that is so treasured. I have learned that. Sometimes, it's still hurty and tender to reflect on difficult or scary experiences that have made me who I am, that have given me this much needed and absolutely valuable experience.

I wouldn't give any of it away.

I would choose, over and over again, to be who I am today rather than who I was when I left this place 2 1/2 years ago. Why? Because I know more my potential and divinity, and because I know that I have become more of the woman God has in mind that I should be.

And that's a wonderful thing. It all has to do with prayer- sincere prayer- and asking to understand and really experience the Atonement. Asking for that with your whole heart. And when you do, then you will feel the great change take place that is so often spoken of in Holy Scripture. And the joy that will come will burst out of your mouth in gospel tidings, and you will be forever changed.

Happy Sabbath :)

My hospital roommate and I. This moment of my life would be categorized under 'valuable experience' and 'testimony growth' and 'painful.' And I would never give it away, because without it I would not be the woman I am, who is closer to who the Lord would have me be than ever.