Dear God

I remember when I was a small child- you told me you would always be here for me. I felt your touch as I lay on the grass in my backyard, inhaling freshly cut lawn and staring into the baby blue abyss above me, where I thought you stayed. You came to me when I was sad, through the tender touch of a mother who always held me when I cried.  My father taught me to seek you diligently, to learn to not just wait for your voice in my life but to find it.

I remember as a 16 year old, fighting to find out for myself if you were there. On my knees for a year, pleading to know the voice of a God so many said they could hear, but I wasn’t so sure existed anymore.

I remember you came to me when I was 17. I was in a grove- pleading to get the answer I had sought for so long- to know if you were real. You came, and you stayed, and I knew that you were not only real, but that you loved me. We sat for a while in that grove, you and me, and we talked. You told me you would always take care of me, and that you always had taken care of me.  I, God, I promised you my whole life, and everything that I was.

I remember as a missionary being afraid again. There were so many rules, God. So many things that I had to do just right. My perfectionism made me feel that if I did not succeed in every way, then I was not worthy to be your servant. I remember reaching for goals and coming short. I remember pleading with people to believe, because I did not want to disappoint you. I remember, God, you coming to me again one day in my studies. You prompted me- you told me I was must have more faith. Faith that you are more powerful than I am. Faith that you could change my nature. Faith that I didn’t have to be perfect to be worthy of love, and that I wasn’t there earning my keep- rather, I was there to become something.

I remember your gentle promptings that I would be coming home early from my mission. You didn’t tell me when or why, but I was prepared for what happened, more than I would have been if you hadn’t been visiting me in my dreams and telling me that I was in your hands, even if I didn’t understand what was going on.

I remember your voice pushing me to be faithful, to give everything I had to a relationship that deserved a full chance. I remember your voice faithfully standing by me and telling me I had done the right thing when the other party didn’t keep up their end of the deal, and I was badly mistreated. I remember you faithfully nudging me to come as close to you as I possibly could, because you weren’t going to fix the situation, but you wanted me to experience joy and growth rather than be swallowed up in despair the way I thought I would be so frequently for so many months. I remember you telling me that boy didn’t deserve me, that because of his choices he couldn’t see my worth and he squandered the potential of the relationship. I remember you telling me I deserved so much more.

I remember in the fall, laying awake at night, feeling a fire within me burn brighter and brighter. You were telling me I was worthy of my dreams. You told me, God, to go for it- to pursue medical school, because I am good and I can achieve anything I put my mind to. I remember learning that I was in control of my story and that I could have a happy, fulfilling life without a significant other. I remember learning that I would never be in a relationship again where my significant other treated me so poorly, because you had shown me my worth. My circumstances did not change, God, but you caused the scales of confusion and pain to fall from my eyes. The world had limitless possibilities again.

You came to me again, God, in February. There was a boy in a class who wouldn’t stop trying to be my friend. With all of my walls and all of my hidden pain that came out in outright rudeness, he continued to talk to me. He was transparent and would tell me I was good, that he could see that you and I were close, and that I was making choices to make you my best friend.  I remember you telling me to be brave. You told me it was time to trust and love again. I didn’t know if I could do that- I had been broken before, by someone I had trusted and loved, and who threw it away for nothing. I told you I would try.

That boy and I became great friends. I knew you had sent him to me. But after just a little time dating, we both knew it wasn’t right. Why, God, wasn’t it right? We are still spending time together and enjoying each other’s friendship. I knew when it ended I was supposed to try and keep this boy in my life- that’s something I’ve always said I would never do. He has continued to be a blessing to me, God.

God, I am sad. And confused. I have been pursuing medical school but hear voices shouting at me that boys don’t like girls who do that as much as they like girls who are nurses or dental hygienists, who can stay at home with the kids all the time, or who are 100% willing to give up anything in order to support the boy through school. I have heard voices shouting at me that I am throwing away my divine role by pursuing such a rigorous degree.  What about what you have told me? What about the feelings I have had to pursue medical school, that I am worthy of that dream, and that you have called me to change lives as a doctor? And how do those things line up with having a family? And what about the fact that a boy let me know yesterday that medical school is ‘intimidating to guys’ and that ‘it’s amazing that Nurse Practitioner is even a thing.’ I wanted to tell him if being a Nurse Practitioner was so amazing, he should do it and I’d take his place in medical school in the fall. No one has ever told him he may have to curtail his dreams so that someone would marry him and he could fulfill his divine role to stay at home and have babies.  He wasn’t raised to be prepared to sacrifice dreams in order to support a spouse through school- because he’s the boy. He was raised to be supported in whatever schooling he chooses.

I am confused. I want to do what is right. But I also will never be the girl who came to BYU just to get married. I will never be the girl who played house growing up because she just wanted to have her own babies- I was the girl who played doctor and who had cooking shows and who made art and displayed it.  I don’t know why, but I can’t shake off that if I had been more of the girl who just wanted to get married, maybe I would have been the right fit for that amazing guy who is everything I would hope to have in a marriage. God, I don’t want to give up incredible people in order to become a doctor, because I don’t think that’s right either.

I need to know what thy will is, God. My future is so foggy. I want to have thy will become my own. I just don’t know what thy will is.

Guide me- my life is thine, it always has been. I can do nothing on my own. I need to know which path to take.

I love you.

Elise