My Sacrifice

I look at my year and I have no doubt that everything I have been led to do got me to this point, and all through the hand of the Lord. There is no denying it; I will never forget how clearly the impression came to me when I was offered my nanny job in San Diego, that this was something straight from the Lord, and exactly what He wanted me to do at that time. And Spain was absolutely so fulfilling- I could have never asked for a more incredible experience. I will be happy for the rest of my life that I had that opportunity- that was a dream I am so blessed was fulfilled. Through hard work on my part and a lot of help on the Lord's part.

If I hadn't gone to San Diego, though, I never would have survived being so far and disconnected from my family in Spain. If I hadn't experienced Spain, I know I would not be ready to serve a mission. The Lord blessed me with baby steps, to pull me away from my family just enough to be independent enough to serve Him in a full time mission for a year and a half.

When I first heard the announcement, I knew without a moment's hesitation that I was serving a mission; the Lord had been commanding me all year with strong desires and people teaching me about missions that this was what I would do with my life. I jumped up and down and screamed and yelled and laughed and smiled when I heard the announcement- here was the Lord making his commandment to me possible, just as Nephi received the commandment to build a ship in the Book of Mormon. He had no idea how to, and he was in the wilderness, without training or tools. But the Lord made it possible. Just like when he was commanded to retrieve the plates from Laban- he did it, with the Lord's help. And that is kind of what happened to me.

I came home from my European Adventure, my life's dream, on November 26th, 2012. I felt the anxiety that comes knowing I would be arriving at my body clock time of 7:20 am, but it would be 11:20 at night. I knew I would be messed up, and absolutely delirious at the prospect of seeing my family after 3 months. I was excited and nervous too, though, because I was opening my call that night.

There we were, gathered around the table with a couple of very close family friends who were kind enough to come at midnight that Monday night and watch me open the call- and I shook. Adrenaline had kicked in, and it didn't matter that I felt all travel-worn and smelly and exhausted and confused as to the time and I didn't know where I would be living the next year and a half of my life.

And then I read it:


New Jersey Morristown, Spanish speaking. Leaving February 6th, 2012.

Of course I was excited when I first read it!

But now's the time for honesty. I KNEW this was what I needed to do with my life. I knew this was what the Lord wanted me to do. And I KNEW without a doubt that this call had been assigned to me by the Lord himself, through his servants and modern revelation that we are so blessed to have.

I wanted to serve foreign, not just badly... but with much stronger of a desire than I had ever thought.

It's funny, because I remember when I was little dreaming that I would serve a mission in Italy, or maybe Russia. Well, I've had two friends go to Italy, and one to Russia.
In high school, I was excited I would learn Spanish now and then use it on my mission instead. Then I mastered (?) the language and decided I would really really REALLY love to learn a third language on my mission.

I pushed away disappointment, knowing that this was where I needed to go. I pushed away thoughts of hurt or jealousy that I had such a desire and I knew I could do well, meeting a new people and learning a new tongue. I pushed away the strong feelings of confusion that all of a sudden were flung upon me- it was insane- because I knew they came from Satan.

But you can only push away a force like that for so long, because eventually a dam will break if the force of water is strong enough.

I haven't written in a while because I wanted to be honest. So now I am being honest. And I will completely and honestly tell you now that I am NOT disappointed in the least in my call. And that I am more than thrilled and grateful for my call to Morristown New Jersey, to serve in the ghetto right outside of NYC!

I thought I was ready to sacrifice everything to serve the Lord; I thought I would gladly go somewhere where I slept on a mat and ate bugs and didn't have warm water to shower in. I was ready to show the Lord, and quite frankly, everyone else watching, that I could do anything He needed me to do, regardless of difficulties of being away from home or being on medication. I wanted the challenge.

And here I was, this morning before church, crying at the table because I felt that wings had been clipped, and I was hurting that so many of my friends were going out into the world while I was staying in the States, with my sweet sweet daddy with his beautiful and kind blue eyes holding my hand and saying, "I know sweetheart. It is so hard. I know."

I love my Daddy.

This morning my Daddy saved my mission. My attitude had slowly been spiraling down, despite my efforts to prepare with a positive mindset and to disregard any bad or jipped feelings I had about my call. He saved my mission because he taught me something very special.

He told me this: "Elise. You are beginning a refining process, just like Joseph Smith felt he went through. You are at the beginning, and look how hard this mission has already become for you. But Elise, you are not staying inside this country because you are flawed, or because you are on medication. You are staying here because this is where the Lord wants you to be. There are a select few people who YOU need to meet and talk to in New Jersey. You need to pray to love them. You need to fast and pray to love them with a Christlike love. Elise, it is hard that you want to go foreign and you didn't."

Elise: "I would have gladly shown the Lord that I would sacrifice everything for him! I wanted to sleep on mats and have awful living conditions and hard things-"

Daddy: "Then do it! Sacrifice your desires, Elise. This is where you need to be."



That hit me like a meal of chili and potatoes on a fast Sunday (yummy...).

This is my sacrifice: I will sacrifice my desire to go into another foreign place. I will sacrifice my prideful feelings and jealously. I will sacrifice my strong desire to learn a third language. I will sacrifice my hope to place everyone in awe when they hear about where I served my mission. I will sacrifice my stubbornness that I could have served anywhere, despite my medication needs and other things.

I am sacrificing a lot to serve the Lord. I am not a disappointment because I am not serving foreign.

As my mom said to me: "You are going into the land where people have come from all over the world. You are serving in the promised land, Elise. And you are serving where a lot of American history happened. You are serving exactly where the Lord needs you to be. Don't you know that many of us at home had prayed and prayed that the Lord would call you where you needed to be, and where you would be successful? You are serving in the promised land. You are serving where the Lord knows you need to be. You have been richly blessed"

I will gladly and excitedly go to serve Him in the land where He needs me, the Garden State, New Jersey.

And I pledge to give my entire might, mind and strength to Him while there- I will leave all that I have there, preaching His restored gospel as others need and as He prompts me. I will sacrifice my desire to go so far away in order to go further in another way- the way that the Lord needs me to go.

I love the Lord. Everything in church was geared toward questions and confusions and difficulties I have had the past few weeks; you see, when a pre missionary receives their call, Satan goes pretty hard on them. And I have certainly felt that. The beauty of it is, the Lord has not abandoned me, even though I didn't like where He called me. I will be what He wants me to be.

Yes, it may not seem like such a sacrifice. I know, it does sound selfish. But this is how I honestly feel. And I am glad the Lord knows I am strong enough to give up my desires to serve Him. I also feel this call as a blessing- because I know it comes from Him, and He is guiding me to where I need to be, happy to let me represent Jesus Christ in bringing people back to their Father in Heaven. I love the Lord.

Oh, and now you know why it's taken me so long to write- it's been super busy, and I couldn't seem to write when I knew it wouldn't be sincere. But there you have it. Four and half weeks till I put on that badge and step on the plane :)